Random Musings

For FHE this last week, one of my FHE brothers gave a spiritual thought that helped me out a lot. He read a simple scripture that I have heard hundreds of times in primary, but it suddenly took on a whole new meaning this time I heard it. It's 1 Nephi 17:50: "And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done." This got me thinking, can I do all things? My rationale was, I can do everything that the Lord wants me to do. I then thought, well what does the Lord want me to do? I haven't asked that question to the Lord in a good long while. I always have trouble remembering that I can ask the Lord for help, or how to do something, or what I should be doing with my life. I always figure I'm on my own and I have to figure out things for myself. Sometimes the Lord works like that, where he wants us to find our answer for ourselves and He can confirm our decision if we've made the right one, but I need to sincerely ask the Lord what I should be doing with my life and what goals I should be working to achieve. Then I thought, it would be nice if it was all written out for me a list of assignments that the Lord wants me to work on for the rest of my life. Then it hit me. I already have that. It's my Patriarchal blessing. That is a layout of advice and information that the Lord wants me to have in order to help me. This time when I read my Patriarchal blessing, I noticed the phrase (or a variation of) "you will know the things you should and should not do". This was exactly what I was looking for.

Another scripture that hit home recently was 1 Nephi 15:24: "And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction." This meant a lot to me because it made me realize the pure power you gain when you read the scriptures. Temptations will become weaker. Satan's attempts at deceiving you will fail. You will never perish. Those are some pretty big promises. I think that if I keep this in mind when I am debating whether to read my scriptures right before bed, I can think of this to help me remember that I need to read them. This also reminds me of a line in a movie that I watched recently. One woman says, "I think we should make room in this day for some prayers". Really, I should do that every day. I should allot time where I focus on speaking with the Lord on what He wants me to do, and the paths that I should and should not take.

In recent events, I dropped my CS 235 class and have not done much to replace it. I have realized that when I don't have a distinct schedule, I become significantly more lazy. This is bad for two reasons: 1. I get more unhealthy and 2. I become significantly less productive. I have been noticing I've been doing this to myself recently and I came upon this scripture in my studies tonight: D&C 58:27 which reads, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness". This made me realize that I need to set reasonable, and worthy goals in order for me to become more productive, and show my gratitude for the wonderful life God has given me. I turned to my Patriarchal Blessing to find the things that I should and should not do. Here are the goals that I have come up with for this summer:

1. Be more fit. Reach weight goal of 130 pounds. 
2. Increase my intellect. Refresh my C++ skills to prepare for Fall semester. 
3. Strengthen my testimony. Read a Conference talk a day so that you can know what the Father and His Son would have me do. 
4. Be more responsible with my savings. Obtain a steady job that can help me regain my work ethic. 

Faith and Self Confidence

In my studies/ pondering recently, my attention has been turned to the connection between faith and self confidence. I found this talk called Confidence and Self-Worth by Elder Glenn L. Pace of the Seventy, from the January 2005 Ensign. He quoted Dr. Thomas Harris saying this: " Most people never fulfill their human promise and potential because they remain perpetually helpless children overwhelmed by a sense of inferiority. The feeling of being okay does not imply that the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them." I have seen this in my own life and I do not want to continue down this path. I think that this can be applied in the academic sense too. For the majority of my college career, I have been surrounded by students in the IT program who are all much older and more experienced than me. I work in a lab that consists of mostly graduate students, and I am auditing a class in which I have taken none of the prerequisite classes for. All of these factors I think have affected me in both positive and negative ways. I think that I have let their knowledge overwhelm me rather than inspire me. I have been paralyzed by my own feelings of inferiority.

In Elder Pace's talk he defines lacking confidence as having feelings of low self-worth. He then goes on to say, "We are preoccupied with our weaknesses, and we lack faith in the Lord's ability to use those weaknesses for our good. We do not understand our inestimable worth in the eyes of God, not do we appreciate our divine potential. Ironically, both pride and a lack of self-confidence cause us to focus excessively on ourselves and to deny the power of God in our lives." This is how faith and self confidence go hand in hand. Once we recognize our weaknesses, we have a choice. We can choose to let God help us strengthen that weakness, or we can let it define us and tear us down. If you choose to let your weaknesses destroy you, you are doubting the Lord's ability to help you, underestimating your worth in the eyes of God, being unappreciative of your divine potential and you are denying the power of God in your life. Sounds harsh. Having low self confidence is a destructive behavior that can be reversed.

I think that my feelings of low self worth are not only affecting my academic life, but my personal life too. Recently I have had a barrage of self-destructive thoughts. I wonder to myself why I have never dated anyone, and think it is all my fault, that I am not pretty enough, or smart enough, or thin enough. I think that there is no reason that any guy would like me, that some other girl deserves it more than me. I know that I shouldn't have these thoughts. I know that Heavenly Father is just testing my faith and has many great things in store for me. I was watching a random movie on TV the other day and a line that a character said struck me. In the movie a guy was asking a girl he had dated why he wasn't good enough for her when they were dating, she replied that he was good enough for her, he just wasn't good enough for himself. I think that that is my problem too.

Whenever I think of waiting and Heavenly Father testing our faith, I always think of the story of the Nephites when Jesus was coming to the Americas in 3 Nephi. It says, "Now it came to pass that there was a day set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet." I always imagine the unbelievers gathering up those who did believe that the signs of Christ's coming would come, waiting for the sun to set and no darkness to come. Imagine the amount of faith that took. Imagine how easy it would have been deny your testimony and forget your faith and to join those who did not believe. Imagine those who chose at the last second to doubt that He would come, only to be ashamed of themselves for turning away just at the last second. I think that we are always in this situation. I think that Heavenly Father has a way of making us wait just long enough so that we can prove whether or not we will have the faith to stay, maybe even risking our lives, to wait until the Savior comes.

One thing that helps me remember that I am loved is something my older sister Rachel did for me a year ago. In January she emailed me this quote: “Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...” ― Pete Wentz
Then for Valentines day, she gave me an awesome Adventure Time valentine day card that said, "You're at the top of the tree." This always makes me feel better every time I am feeling down on myself.

I found another LDS article that was in the January 2007 New Era called, I Can Do It! Confidence Builders. Here, they provide a list of things you can do in order to build your self-confidence:

•Pray, as Moses did, that the Lord will help you remember that you are His child and that you have an important work to do.
• Make a list of your strengths and good qualities.
• Read and ponder your patriarchal blessing, or prepare to receive one.
• Serve others, and write in your journal how service makes you feel.
• Eat well and exercise. Your body is a gift from God, and good nutrition and physical activity will lift your mood and help you feel better about yourself.
• Offer prayers of gratitude, and record your gratitude in a journal.
• Develop your talents.
• Keep the commandments.

I intend to do these things so that I can increase my faith and self confidence. I can still feel that there is a lot more for me to learn about faith, but I am learning more each day about faith.