Mighty Change of Heart: Intro

I've never thought much about the phrase. It always seemed pretty self-explanatory to me. But now, my testimony is so much stronger because of this phrase. It means so much more than when I took it at face value.

I moved into this new ward pretty much just for practical reasons. I needed a place to live for 2 months, and then I'm off to Washington. I found the cheapest option I could and bought the girls contract for just the Spring term. Little did I know that I was moving into the self-proclaimed "best ward ever".

Now I can't speak for the greatness of the ward compared to other wards, but it is pretty great. My reasoning for this is not because of the social life aspect of the ward (although, it is pretty dang social) but because of the gospel philosophy of the ward.

When you are trying to learn something new, you usually have a tutor. Some tutors are better than others, and some tutors just speak your language. They answer all of your questions right when they appear in your mind, and sometimes even before you vocalize them. They understand your thought process and are always on the same page as you. They teach in an order and manner that you completely understand. This is how Bishop Rasmussen is.

On the first Sunday in the ward, Bishop Rasmussen announced that for all new members of the ward, there was a special Sunday School lesson for us in a separate room from the Gospel Doctrine and Marriage and Family classes. I thought this was odd, because I didn't know that different classes could be made up. This class was basically an initiation into the what I call, the "ward's testimony". Now, it makes sense for a specific person to have a testimony, but what does it mean for a ward to have a testimony? Bishop Rasmussen has a set of gospel topics that he regularly discusses with the ward, and often refers back to in other lessons and talks. He also writes out gospel study guides with analyses of gospel doctrines and principles, scripture references, action items, and promises. He updates the study guides monthly and he uploads them to the ward facebook page and encourages everyone in the ward to study the guides. It's kind of like a giant religion class. The really cool effect of this is that everyone in the ward is learning these gospel principles in a similar setting and we all get to learn together. It sort of inadvertently unifies the ward in a spiritual sense. People in the ward often refer to the gospel principles emphasized in the study guides as "The Mighty Change of Heart".

The mighty change of heart is a gospel principle that Bishop Rasmussen focuses on. The study guides that he has written so far, are: Repentance, Faith, The Holy Ghost, and Ordinances and Covenants.

In the lesson the Bishop gave an introduction to the Repentance study guide and introduced us to what the mighty change of heart is all about. I will post about each of these study guides individually as I finish them.

I've noticed that as I go through life, I usually have questions about the gospel. Some are small, and can be answered relatively quickly and by pretty much any of my church leaders. Other questions require a lot of thought, pondering, prayer, and discussion with many different leaders until I find the right answer.

Near the beginning of the year, I noticed that I had stopped studying my scriptures as well as I have done in the past. Last Fall semester, I had set up a good system for studying my scriptures for at least a couple of days a week. But now, I was completely avoiding it altogether. I thought, "This isn't like me. I want to be good. I want to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. Then why don't I want to read my scriptures?" I'm a pretty logical person, so I thought, well, why does Heavenly Father want me to read my scriptures and to pray? 

This question was on my mind for the entire semester. I would go to Sunday School and Institute and I would hear nice stories of how saying prayers works, and how people would read the scriptures and everything else in their life would fall into place. I thought, "Maybe that's it, maybe we read our scriptures so that we can have everything in our lives fall into place." or "We read scriptures to get blessings". But none of it made sense to me.

When I came to the first Sunday School lesson in my current ward, my bishop talked about a process he calls the mighty change of heart. This lesson really answered a lot of the questions I had about the gospel, and it laid out our purpose here on earth so clearly. I felt like the bishop understood things like I did, and I knew that he would be the one to answer my question. I walked up to the bishop afterwards and sincerely thanked him for the lesson. I immediately went to the executive secretary and scheduled an appointment with the bishop that following Tuesday. 

I met with the bishop and thanked him again for the wonderful lesson. I told him that he answered a lot of questions that I had about the gospel. We talked about the mighty change of heart and how great it is. Then I asked him my question. 

It seemed a little silly to ask, "Why do we pray?" because of the simplicity of the question. I reassured the bishop that I had a testimony and that I was an active member of the church, but that I just needed to reaffirm the why of some of the gospel practices. I wanted to be able to have an absolute, resolute definition of what prayer and scripture study is, and why we do it.

His answer was something to the effect of this: "The only reason we study the scriptures is because God commanded us to. All other reasons are residual blessings that come after we have exercised our faith. In Moses 5:6, it says, "And after many days an angel of the Lord appeared unto Adam, saying: Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord? And Adam said unto him: I know not, save the Lord commanded me." We need to trust in the Lord's commandments. The purpose of prayer is to learn and understand God’s will for us." 

Exactly what I needed. I love this answer! This answer withstands any doubt that I had previously. The things that I thought were "reasons" for praying previously, were just the blessings that come from prayer. Not the reason that we pray.

He also cited 2 Nephi 32:3-5:

3 Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.

4 Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

5 For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.

This was it! I finally received my answer! Now it is time to act on it. As I read the study guides and solidify my personal gospel study regimen, I will be able to more fully analyze this principle and the ones outlined in the mighty change of heart study guides.

"Then Will I Make Weak Things Become Strong Unto Them"

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them". -Ether 12:27

I read this scripture my sophomore year of high school. That was the year that I started to procrastinate doing worthwhile things in my life. Before that, I had always been pretty good at doing things on time and not staying up too late to get things done. But my sophomore year, I started to procrastinate. First, just in my Algebra class, then in my science classes, and eventually, it had spread to all of my classes. Procrastination is an awful thing. It will weigh on you and cause you to be unable to perform to the best of your abilities for extended periods of time. I've felt this. I knew that managing my time was my weakness, and that I needed to change. 

Since then, I've been working on how to remedy the situation. I've always kept this scripture in my mind to help motivate me, sometimes when I thought it was impossible. I remember reflecting on how much work I had to do and what little time to do it in. I thought to myself, "How can this ever be a strength for me? How can something I am so bad at ever become something that I am good at, or even enjoy doing? I am too far gone." How wrong I was!

This has definitely been a journey, but I am able to look back at the path I have traveled to get where I am, and I am proud of my progress.

This semester has been a real turning point for me, and I can only hope that I continue to progress :) Every semester before this, I would always try to say to myself, "This semester I am going to do better and stop procrastinating." But then I would never do anything that actually helped me to progress. Sure, I was trying to find things and I would try things that other people suggested, but nothing seemed to work. Last summer I reflected back to Ether 12:27: "for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them". I like "if, then" statements. They make sense to me. If you do this, you receive this blessing. I decided that I would use this as a contract with God: "If I humble myself before thee, and have faith in thee, then you promised me in this scripture: that you will make weak things become strong unto me." I think that doing this itself shows faith. Try to look for scriptures that apply to you, and have faith that Heavenly Father will follow through on His promises to His children, just like He did in ancient scripture stories. He does this because He loves you.

At the start of last summer I started this blog. I decided that I needed to create more avenues in my life where I could be humble and show my faith. This blog has already helped me come closer to my Heavenly Father, and I hope that it will continue to do so. Since then I've been looking for ways to do better and to improve (as you can tell from my previous blog posts).

At the start of this semester, I started out with a new resolve to do better in my studies, time management, and life goals. This time was different though. I asked my Dad for a Father's blessing, which I usually do, but this time I decided to use his blessing like I do with "if then" scriptures. I was going to listen and look for things that I was told to do, and the blessings I would receive. Here are the bullet points that I wrote down after the blessing:

- I will be successful this semester

- I need to love, help, and support my sister this semester

- I will be able to develop successful study habits

- As I put the Lord first, He will help me progress

- I will be able to develop spiritually, physically, mentally, and academically

- I should take time to recognize that I have progressed so far and that I can be happy about it

I wrote these down shortly after I received the blessing from my father, and I put it in my scripture case and forgot about it. Then at the start of the semester, I decided that I needed to schedule time in my life to study the scriptures, read conference talks, and write on this blog. I decided that I cannot do these things at night right before I go to bed, since I am too tired then, and I do not personally get anything out of gospel study when I am winding down for the day. I decided that I needed to do this in the mornings. I reasoned that if I need to do that, I need to go to bed earlier and make time in my schedule for it. 

I sat down one day and thought: I need to make scripture/gospel study a priority in my life. How can I do this?! I decided to browse the internet and see if anyone posted any blog posts that would show how they make time in their schedule for scripture study. I found this blog post by "The Red Headed Hostess" called "How a Busy Mom CAN Study Her Scriptures". I love the ideas she talks about in this blog post. I like that she talks about reading your scriptures in front of your kids as an example. I also like the part where she talks about her "power hour" right when she wakes up where she is able to make her bed, get ready for the day, read her scriptures, reassess goals, and say her morning prayers. She says that for her, the effectiveness of her day is usually determined by how she spends the first hour of her day. I know that that is true for me as well, since for a long time I have been reading my scriptures for a couple minutes before I go to bed, and I know that it does nothing for me when I do that. I was inspired by her example and I decided that if she can change, I can too. 

So I sat down and logically scheduled my week by days/hours so that I would be able to allocate adequate time for all of the activities that I wanted to include in my life. I made scripture/gospel study time a priority. Here is my schedule that I came up with:

I categorized major activities in my life that I need to schedule time for on the left. I then decided (based off of university recommendations and personal insight) for how much time I needed for each activity. I then went to my calendar and blocked out time each day that I could do the necessary activities that I had planned for each day. This has helped me so much! I am a very structural/analytical person, so I like to organize things and have things make sense and have a system. My prayers at the start of the semester consisted of praying that I will be able to develop a system so that I can study my scriptures. Heavenly Father gave me that! My prayer was answered! It didn't all happen at once, I was able to formulate a system that works for me in a few days, but Heavenly Father answered my prayer.

Now I have been able to dedicate time to those things which matter most to me. I can't believe I am about to say this, but I am actually managing my time well! Do you realize how unbelievable this is for me?! I have been struggling with this for 6 years! And Heavenly Father has helped me to start overcoming it!! I am hesitant to say "completely overcome" because I'm not perfect yet, but that's okay. I only expect progression from myself; not perfection. Some of you may say, well why did Heavenly Father make you wait 6 years to start overcoming this? I don't know the reason for that right now, but I know that I learned many valuable lessons in the time that I struggled with procrastination. Henry B. Eyring once said, "The Lord's delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience." I know that whatever trial Heavenly Father gives to me, no matter how hard it is, is calculated to bless me the most. Heavenly Father has created a personal path to exaltation for each of us that will help us become the best person we can be.

I promise that if you have faith in the Lord, and humble yourself before him, the Lord will make your weak things become strong unto you.

From Limbo to Exaltation

Sometimes you feel stuck. Like you are making no progress. Like you are trudging along a grey and gloomy rock bottom – walking around and around in your trench of bad habits. You know that there is a way out– by climbing up and over the ledge, but that seems impossible to do. You know you want to get out, and that you hate what you're doing. You know that you should just stop walking and reach up, but right now, you're stuck in a trance. In a state of limbo, wanting to be out, but stuck at the same rhythmic pace, trudging along. Step, after step, after step... going nowhere. At least... that's what it feels like. But, as I've come to see, it's not like that. Actually, it's exactly the opposite. Let me explain.

In my New Testament class we read this scripture: Matthew 11:28-30

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

When I first heard this scripture, I was confused. How is it that the Savior of the entire world, Jesus Christ, who atoned for each and every sin for every person who has ever lived and will ever live, able to say that His burden is light? How is it that He who bled at every pore under the pressure of suffering the penalty and the pain of every sin, bad feeling, wrong-doing, and injustice can say that His yoke is easy?


I asked my New Testament teacher this question and he just stood there for a minute. Then he smiled and marveled at the question and just repeated it back to me. He then showed me a different way to think about it. He said, "It seems like he is talking about the eternal blessings and consequences of sin and following His commandments. Addiction is not easy; sin is not easy; they shackle you down with chains. What is easy, is feeling those burdens removed from you."

Jesus doesn't say, 'Just give me your burdens and I will do all of the work'. No, He asks us to take on extra responsibility. To take His yoke upon us. To carry the burden with Him. After all, the burden He is carrying was ours to begin with. This yoke that Jesus wants us to take on is to put him first in our lives. To us, it may seem impossible to take on extra responsibility. How can I take on more, when I cannot even do right with what I have now? Seems counter-intuitive right? Well, that's what faith is for.

Faith is giving your all to God even when you don't know what "all" is. Faith is saying, I don't know exactly how you are going to have me accomplish this thing you have asked me to do, but I'm going to try my hardest and do it anyways. We show our faith in Jesus Christ when we stop preoccupying ourselves with our weaknesses, trials, and shortcomings and start to put Him first in our life. We can do this by serving others, praying, reading our scriptures, making an actual effort to schedule meaningful time to do these things, and reflecting often on the abundant blessings that the Lord bestows upon us. Ezra Taft Benson once said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or dropout of our lives."

Just when we think that we cannot take on any more, that the albatross around our neck might make us crack under the pressure, when we think that we will forever reside in our rut in rock bottom, Jesus says: reach up and I will show you the way out – higher than you can see or imagine.

Pure Love

Today I witnessed one of the sweetest moments I have seen in my life. I was at the Microsoft cafeteria, eating my Mongolian stir fry. I heard a man a few feet away from me ask, "Are you ok?" I looked up and saw a man, probably in his 40s, and a little boy with blonde hair, probably around 3 years old. The little boy was just in the middle of getting up from the ground. I assume that he had fallen after reaching the top of the staircase they had just climbed. The father, who seemed to be balancing their lunch on his tray took a second to restack the boxes and soda cans that tumbled on their lunch tray. I assume that the food on the tray toppled when the man tried to stop the boy from falling. While the man was doing this, the boy stuck his elbow up towards the man with an innocent pout on his face. I assume that he fell on his elbow. Once the man rebalanced the food on the plate, he looked down and slowly, being careful not to let the food on the tray topple again, bent down and kissed the boy's elbow. The boy immediately burst into a smile and started skipping towards their table.

For some reason this event touched me so deeply. A simple act of pure love. It didn't matter to the man that he may be a bit out of breath from walking up the stairs. It didn't matter that as he bent down he could have dropped their food again. It didn't matter that maybe he was hungry and just wanted to sit down and eat after searching for an empty table. All that mattered was that his little boy wanted him to kiss his elbow better. All he wanted to do was to make that little boy happy. 

The thing that touched me the most about this event was that the boy immediately knew that the man would kiss his elbow. This didn't look like the first time this happened; like the man made a habit of caring for and loving the boy and the boy could rely on and trust that he could always come to him for help, comfort, and love.

I am not exactly sure why this happened directly in front of me, but I am happy that I was blessed with this personal experience. I hope that I will be able to look back on this moment and make meaningful connections as I go on through my life.

Metaphor for Life

About two months ago I attended a half-day retreat for an organization I am in called Women in Engineering and Technology. This organization is made up of all of the girls who are majoring in an engineering or technology major at BYU. We had this retreat to help us get to know each other and talk about the difficulties of being in these majors. I had been to this retreat the past 2 years and was never effected like I was this year. This year, we went to Heber Valley Girls Camp so that we could participate in their team building activities that they offer to camp-goers.

The one activity that hit straight home was the Blindfold activity. We were given blindfolds and then instructed that as soon as we put them on, we were not allowed to speak. (You can imagine how hard that is for me). They told us that once we put them on, we should just sit and wait for someone to grab our arm and lead us to the maze. The maze was composed of strings tied to trees. We were to grab a hold of the first string they lead us to, and find our way to the end. The only instruction they told us was to "Choose the Right". I put on my blindfold and waited.

Once someone grabbed my arm I cautiously walked the way they led me. I was afraid that I would trip over something. Once they put my hand on the string, they let me go. I followed the string and reached an intersection. I picked the right, because that's what they told us to do. I reached another intersection, right again I guess! Then I hit a tree. I reached all around the tree, but it was a dead end. I immediately thought, "Oh, they must have messed up the course, I did everything perfect up to this point." I just sat there and waited. It took me about 2 minutes to realize that maybe "Choose the Right" wasn't to be taken literally each time. I decided to turn back and go left at the start. I crossed the first intersection, and before I go back to the second one, I bumped into someone. I decided to choose left at the second intersection instead. Somehow, I made the same mistake again and ended up at the dead end tree. This time I made sure I went the right way.


Then I kept following the course. There was no sure-fire way for me to choose which way was right each time, I had to find out through trial and error. Then I reached a string that turned into two. I decided that it must have been a mistake, so I just held onto both strings. After a few steps I discovered that the strings led to two different trees... I had to choose. The one string on the left felt like all the other strings up to this point and the other string on the right felt different... thinner and weaker. I decided to choose the right, and ended up at a dead end. I went back and decided that I should have stuck with the familiar string from before. I followed it, left, left, left and... back to the same two string split! What?! How?! I did the same thing about 3 times. Finally I realized that I had missed a new string tied to a tree after the first left. I went that way. A voice said, "You're going the right way". I had to remember if it was the same voice that told me to choose the right, and I decided it was. I decided to trust it.


Then as I was on this string I heard a new voice: "Leave the string and follow me". In my head I immediately thought "No! Hold to the Iron Rod!" I ignored that voice and kept going. All of the sudden I hit a branch about waist height. The string went under the branch. I needed to crawl under the arch-shaped branch and continue to hold onto the string. Once I maneuvered underneath it, I continued on. I think I returned to this obstacle from the other side and remembered that I had already done it before and didn't need to go back underneath, or I would be undoing what I did before, and end up having to redo what I did before. I turned back and found the right path. I finally reached a dead end and heard, "Welcome Home."

Somewhere in the middle of the maze I began to cry. Not because I was frustrated or lost, but because I got it. I got the message they were trying to get through to me. I got the message Heavenly Father was trying to get through to me. I am just like I was in this maze in real life. I was sent to this earth, blindfolded, sent into unknown territory, to find my way home.

When I reached the first dead end, thinking I had done everything right I just sat there and waited to be saved. I needed to take action and continue on, not just wait to come and be saved. The same is in real life, when you find yourself lost and not knowing what to do, you have to pull yourself out of the trough you are stuck in and Heavenly Father will help you.

When I kept making decisions on which way to go, I often made wrong decisions and had to turn around and go back. It is the same with our sins. When we make a wrong decision, we must turn around and undo what we did through repentance. We need to undo the wrong so that we can get back on the right path. We can't just will it be, and just appear on the right path, we have to get there by facing all of the wrong choices we made and undoing them.

Sometimes in life we reach two strings and attempt to hold on to both of them, but eventually we realize that we have to choose. We cannot follow Jesus's way and Satan's at the same time, we have to choose. Sometimes we get stuck in a bermuda triangle where we continue to make the same mistake over and over. The only way we get out of the mistake cycle is to choose to get out and not continue making the same mistakes over and over. If we continue doing the same things, we will continue getting the same results. If we want to make Heavenly Father more of a priority in our lives, we need to make a conscious decision and change our ways. Sometimes in life we put ourselves in the right conditions to hear the still small voice. Other times, we hear the tempting voice of Satan. Satan's counterfeit of the Holy Ghost. We must consciously separate the difference between their voices and choose the correct one. Sometimes once we go through a trial, we continue on our way and end up back on the other side of the trial we just overcame. We have two choices at that point: doubt the choice we made before and go back and end up no better than we were before, or to choose to learn the lesson that trial taught us once and for all. If we choose to keep going through the same trial, not learning anything each time we get through it, we really gain no ground.

And at the end of it all, Heavenly Father will hopefully greet us saying welcome home, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant"(Matthew 25:21).

The Eternal Plan, and Where You Fit Into It

School is back in session! And with it comes back all of the feelings I had before about myself and my school work. Fear, excitement, anticipation, frustration, and everything I have addressed so far in my blog. I know that this semester is going to be essential in my eternal progress.

I was able to fly home for about a week right before school started so I could see my family and spend some time with them. The night before we left to drive to Utah, my Dad gave each member of my family a Priesthood blessing. My Dad is one of my favorite people on this earth. I love him so much and was so thankful that he was able to give me this blessing from Heavenly Father. My Dad knows what is going on in my life, but not so much about the struggles that I am feeling right now. In this blessing he addressed every single aspect of the trial I am going through right now; my lack of confidence, my desire to acquire better time management skills, my doubts in my abilities, my desires to put the Lord first in my life, and so much more. After my Dad gave me this blessing, I felt so thankful for him, the Priesthood, and my Father in Heaven. I really felt like He was aware of me. I felt like I was ready to finally face this trial and overcome it.

I previously wrote about how I plan to put the Lord first in my life. I have decided to revisit this topic with a new light. I think it goes hand in hand with this talk I read by Dallin H. Oaks: Focus and Priorities. In this talk he says, "The ultimate Latter-day Saint priorities are twofold: First, we seek to understand our relationship to God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, and to secure that relationship by obtaining their saving ordinances and by keeping our personal covenants. Second, we seek to understand our relationship to our family members and to secure those relationships by the ordinances of the temple and by keeping the covenants we make in that holy place." I have decided that these need to be my top priorities.

After I decided this, I asked myself, "Well, how do I make it apparent that these are my priorities now?" I can't just make a sweeping declaration and call it good. I have to change myself. In order to show that my priorities are different, I have to be different than I was before. In the talk, Elder Oaks says it best, "Our priorities are most visible in how we use our time. Someone has said, “Three things never come back—the spent arrow, the spoken word, and the lost opportunity.” We cannot recycle or save the time allotted to us each day. With time, we have only one opportunity for choice, and then it is gone forever." 

This is where my desire to better manage my time comes in. I think that this is one of the base roadblocks in my way to coming of of this trial. I started to see a habit of procrastination and poor time management around my sophomore year of high school. Ever since then, I have not been able to overcome this problem. But I will. 

One of my classes this semester is a Honors class about the writings of C.S. Lewis. We just read The Screwtape Letters, and I loved it. This book has a reversed perspective of my own, because the book is a a fictitious work written in the perspective of a senior devil (Screwtape), to his nephew, giving him advise on how to be a more effective devil. When I read the book, I mentally take notes on what the adversary is trying to do to stop me from achieving my goal. 

In one of my favorite letters, Screwtape is telling his nephew that he needs to distract his "patient" (the human he is attempting to lead away from the truth) from what is really important: God. He says, "As this condition becomes more fully established, you will be gradually freed from the tiresome business of providing pleasures as temptations. As the uneasiness and his reluctance to face it cut him off more and more from all real happiness, and as habit renders the pleasures of vanity and excitement and flippancy at once less pleasant and harder to forgo (for that is what habit fortunately does to a pleasure) you will find that anything or nothing is sufficient to attract his wandering attention. You no longer need a good book, which he really likes, to keep him from his prayers or his work or his sleep; a column of advertisements in yesterday's paper will do. You can make him waste his time not only in conversation he enjoys with people whom he likes, but in conversations with those he cares nothing about on subjects that bore him. You can make him do nothing at all for long periods. You can keep him up late at night, not roistering, but staring at a dead fire in a cold room. All the healthy and outgoing activities which we want him to avoid can be inhibited and nothing given in return, so that at last he may say, as one of my own patients said on his arrival down here, "I now see that I spent most of my life in doing neither what I ought nor what I liked".

What a scary thought! How often do I find myself doing nothing i.e.: watching pointless Youtube videos, creeping on Facebook, or literally doing nothing instead of reading my scriptures, saying my prayers and getting to bed on time? Too often. 

This emphasizes the point that Elder Oaks was making about how our priorities are most visible in how we spend our time. In his talk he also says, "We also need quiet time and prayerful pondering as we seek to develop information into knowledge and mature knowledge into wisdom". Quiet time, and prayerful pondering is essential in our learning process?! It makes so much sense now. I realized this last night when I found myself constantly stimulating my brain with music, facebook, or talking to people. I never give myself a moment to think, let alone a moment for the Holy Ghost to communicate with me. I decided to make this more routine in my life.

I tried allowing myself to prayerfully ponder the things going on in my life and what Heavenly Father wants me to do about them. In know that returning to him is supposed to be my number one priority, so why am I not following through? I realized that for a long time I haven't been excited to read my scriptures at night, or say my prayers. I wondered why others talk about how they enjoy this and they are so dependent on it, and why I felt close to nothing. I realized that I was just going through the motions and doing what I knew I was supposed to do without realizing why I needed to do it. I also realized that I had let my relationship with Heavenly Father fade because I wasn't putting any effort into it. I was letting myself forget who He is, who I am, and what He has done for me. I knew that Heavenly Father should be the first priority in my life, but I needed to determine the why. Why should I worship Him? And should I make Him first in my life?

I said my prayers last night and I laid in my bed thinking about all of this. I decided to think of it logically.Who is Heavenly Father? Who is He really? Well, I know that God was once like us. He had to be mortal at some point in His existence so that He could learn and progress just like we are now. In Doctrine and Covenants 88:107 it says, "And then shall the angels be crowned with the glory of his might, and the saints shall be filled with his glory, and receive their inheritance and be made equal with him". I am LITERALLY a daughter of God, the most high being of our universe. President Lorenzo Snow often said, “As man now is, God once was; as God is now man may be". God has been through everything that I am going through now. He knows what it is like. He knows what failure, heartbreak, sorrow, frustration, and sadness feel like. He also knows how happiness, excitement, success, and love feels like; and He wants us to know too. He wants me to know too.

Hubble Ultra-Deep Field Image

Heavenly Father was once a spirit being and chose to enter into a mortal existence and experience life just as we do now. After he did that He was able to progress and extend His experience and obtain exaltation. With that came the ability and experience to create worlds without number. Heavenly Father was able to prove His ability to be responsible for Himself in His earthly life, so He was given the ability to create more lives. We are some of those beings that He has created. Heavenly Father made you. I thought about this a lot. In Moses 3:5-7, we learn that everything on this earth that is physical, was once spiritual first. Heavenly Father had to think of the idea of the things He wanted to make and design them first. That includes us. He had to have individually thought of you. He went through the thought process of who you will be and how your personality and characteristics will be. He designed you and everything you are and can become. He then wanted to create for us, physical bodies. He came up with a plan so that we can obtain these bodies and experience the mortal existence that He once did. He called this The Plan of Salvation. 

In order to make a human being out of nothing, you must be the best biologist, physicist, engineer, psychologist, parent, neuroscientist... the best EVERYTHING. There is so much design and beauty about our physical bodies. If you ever have the chance to study it, you are able to see the intricate networks that our bodies have in place that help us to survive. Heavenly Father made that about you. He also individually designed us. He gave you the distinct characteristics of that little dot on your eye, the dimple on your cheek, the way you smile, how you flinch, how you laugh... He made everything. He knows you. This also extends to our personalities. He knows who we are, what our struggles are, what our hopes and desires are, what we think is funny, what kinds of things we like, EVERYTHING. Because He made us that way. He gave us characteristics and the ability to develop and grow new characteristics. He loves all of those things about us because He made us. He loves us just like a responsible and caring parent loves a child. He gave us life because He loves us.

This is where I come in. I once was with Heavenly Father. I knew Him. We were not given the ability to remember our pre-mortal existence so that we may be truly tested and be able to progress, starting the test of life at level 0. If we already knew everything, there would be no need for faith and no need for a means to be tested. We would just automatically attain exaltation without having earned it. My mother once told me when I was younger that she felt when I was born, that I had specifically requested to come to my family. She didn't know why she had this feeling or anything about it, that is all she knew. At the time, I was an angsty teenager and did not think much of it. I now look on that piece of information with sincere gratitude and pondering. I cannot wait until I know why and how I did that when I was in the pre-mortal existence. I am grateful that I did, because I could not imagine being in any other family.

Then Heavenly Father sent me here. Where I was able to be born into the church. Heavenly Father has been there through all my trials and experiences through my journey of life, and He is still with me now. Now I am in the middle of this trial of strength and testimony. After I had been laying in my bed thinking about all of this, trying to gain a wider view of the entire plan and where I fit in, I thought it ridiculous that I was originally wondering why I should make Heavenly Father my first priority in my life because He is my life. He gave me life. He made me. He is the only reason I exist. He is the one I want to return to in the Celestial Kingdom. 

That is why I should worship Him. That is why I should make Him the first priority in my life. That is why I should be ecstatic to speak to him directly through prayer. That is why I love Him. It is with this new resolve that I have determined that Heavenly Father is the only way that I can make it out of this trough that I am in. He gave me this trial with a means of coming out of it on top.

Random Musings

For FHE this last week, one of my FHE brothers gave a spiritual thought that helped me out a lot. He read a simple scripture that I have heard hundreds of times in primary, but it suddenly took on a whole new meaning this time I heard it. It's 1 Nephi 17:50: "And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done." This got me thinking, can I do all things? My rationale was, I can do everything that the Lord wants me to do. I then thought, well what does the Lord want me to do? I haven't asked that question to the Lord in a good long while. I always have trouble remembering that I can ask the Lord for help, or how to do something, or what I should be doing with my life. I always figure I'm on my own and I have to figure out things for myself. Sometimes the Lord works like that, where he wants us to find our answer for ourselves and He can confirm our decision if we've made the right one, but I need to sincerely ask the Lord what I should be doing with my life and what goals I should be working to achieve. Then I thought, it would be nice if it was all written out for me a list of assignments that the Lord wants me to work on for the rest of my life. Then it hit me. I already have that. It's my Patriarchal blessing. That is a layout of advice and information that the Lord wants me to have in order to help me. This time when I read my Patriarchal blessing, I noticed the phrase (or a variation of) "you will know the things you should and should not do". This was exactly what I was looking for.

Another scripture that hit home recently was 1 Nephi 15:24: "And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction." This meant a lot to me because it made me realize the pure power you gain when you read the scriptures. Temptations will become weaker. Satan's attempts at deceiving you will fail. You will never perish. Those are some pretty big promises. I think that if I keep this in mind when I am debating whether to read my scriptures right before bed, I can think of this to help me remember that I need to read them. This also reminds me of a line in a movie that I watched recently. One woman says, "I think we should make room in this day for some prayers". Really, I should do that every day. I should allot time where I focus on speaking with the Lord on what He wants me to do, and the paths that I should and should not take.

In recent events, I dropped my CS 235 class and have not done much to replace it. I have realized that when I don't have a distinct schedule, I become significantly more lazy. This is bad for two reasons: 1. I get more unhealthy and 2. I become significantly less productive. I have been noticing I've been doing this to myself recently and I came upon this scripture in my studies tonight: D&C 58:27 which reads, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness". This made me realize that I need to set reasonable, and worthy goals in order for me to become more productive, and show my gratitude for the wonderful life God has given me. I turned to my Patriarchal Blessing to find the things that I should and should not do. Here are the goals that I have come up with for this summer:

1. Be more fit. Reach weight goal of 130 pounds. 
2. Increase my intellect. Refresh my C++ skills to prepare for Fall semester. 
3. Strengthen my testimony. Read a Conference talk a day so that you can know what the Father and His Son would have me do. 
4. Be more responsible with my savings. Obtain a steady job that can help me regain my work ethic. 

Faith and Self Confidence

In my studies/ pondering recently, my attention has been turned to the connection between faith and self confidence. I found this talk called Confidence and Self-Worth by Elder Glenn L. Pace of the Seventy, from the January 2005 Ensign. He quoted Dr. Thomas Harris saying this: " Most people never fulfill their human promise and potential because they remain perpetually helpless children overwhelmed by a sense of inferiority. The feeling of being okay does not imply that the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them." I have seen this in my own life and I do not want to continue down this path. I think that this can be applied in the academic sense too. For the majority of my college career, I have been surrounded by students in the IT program who are all much older and more experienced than me. I work in a lab that consists of mostly graduate students, and I am auditing a class in which I have taken none of the prerequisite classes for. All of these factors I think have affected me in both positive and negative ways. I think that I have let their knowledge overwhelm me rather than inspire me. I have been paralyzed by my own feelings of inferiority.

In Elder Pace's talk he defines lacking confidence as having feelings of low self-worth. He then goes on to say, "We are preoccupied with our weaknesses, and we lack faith in the Lord's ability to use those weaknesses for our good. We do not understand our inestimable worth in the eyes of God, not do we appreciate our divine potential. Ironically, both pride and a lack of self-confidence cause us to focus excessively on ourselves and to deny the power of God in our lives." This is how faith and self confidence go hand in hand. Once we recognize our weaknesses, we have a choice. We can choose to let God help us strengthen that weakness, or we can let it define us and tear us down. If you choose to let your weaknesses destroy you, you are doubting the Lord's ability to help you, underestimating your worth in the eyes of God, being unappreciative of your divine potential and you are denying the power of God in your life. Sounds harsh. Having low self confidence is a destructive behavior that can be reversed.

I think that my feelings of low self worth are not only affecting my academic life, but my personal life too. Recently I have had a barrage of self-destructive thoughts. I wonder to myself why I have never dated anyone, and think it is all my fault, that I am not pretty enough, or smart enough, or thin enough. I think that there is no reason that any guy would like me, that some other girl deserves it more than me. I know that I shouldn't have these thoughts. I know that Heavenly Father is just testing my faith and has many great things in store for me. I was watching a random movie on TV the other day and a line that a character said struck me. In the movie a guy was asking a girl he had dated why he wasn't good enough for her when they were dating, she replied that he was good enough for her, he just wasn't good enough for himself. I think that that is my problem too.

Whenever I think of waiting and Heavenly Father testing our faith, I always think of the story of the Nephites when Jesus was coming to the Americas in 3 Nephi. It says, "Now it came to pass that there was a day set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet." I always imagine the unbelievers gathering up those who did believe that the signs of Christ's coming would come, waiting for the sun to set and no darkness to come. Imagine the amount of faith that took. Imagine how easy it would have been deny your testimony and forget your faith and to join those who did not believe. Imagine those who chose at the last second to doubt that He would come, only to be ashamed of themselves for turning away just at the last second. I think that we are always in this situation. I think that Heavenly Father has a way of making us wait just long enough so that we can prove whether or not we will have the faith to stay, maybe even risking our lives, to wait until the Savior comes.

One thing that helps me remember that I am loved is something my older sister Rachel did for me a year ago. In January she emailed me this quote: “Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...” ― Pete Wentz
Then for Valentines day, she gave me an awesome Adventure Time valentine day card that said, "You're at the top of the tree." This always makes me feel better every time I am feeling down on myself.

I found another LDS article that was in the January 2007 New Era called, I Can Do It! Confidence Builders. Here, they provide a list of things you can do in order to build your self-confidence:

•Pray, as Moses did, that the Lord will help you remember that you are His child and that you have an important work to do.
• Make a list of your strengths and good qualities.
• Read and ponder your patriarchal blessing, or prepare to receive one.
• Serve others, and write in your journal how service makes you feel.
• Eat well and exercise. Your body is a gift from God, and good nutrition and physical activity will lift your mood and help you feel better about yourself.
• Offer prayers of gratitude, and record your gratitude in a journal.
• Develop your talents.
• Keep the commandments.

I intend to do these things so that I can increase my faith and self confidence. I can still feel that there is a lot more for me to learn about faith, but I am learning more each day about faith.

All You Need is Faith, Trust, and a Little Bit of Pixie Dust

Recently I have been reading my scriptures with a very specific purpose: to find what I need in order to succeed in my studies. The one common conclusion that I always seem to come to is faith. I think that I was too blind to see it until now, but that is all we need.

Today I started back at the very beginning of the Book of Mormon. At the end of the first chapter it says, "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance". In Ether it says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." These scriptures, and many more all have the same promise. If we are faithful, we will become strong.

Over the years, my definition of faith has changed. Here are excerpts from my quote book about my thoughts on faith, in chronological order:

• "I think that faith is a greater understanding of God; knowing that if we work hard and do our part the Lord will bless us and help us. Faith is actually trying to be better". 
• "To me, faith is trust. Trust, and all of the actions that come because of your trust in the Lord". 
• "Patience and faith in God go hand in hand. If you are being impatient with your situation or with God, you are saying that you know better, your time table is better, and that you don't trust God's plan". 
• "How do you demonstrate faith? You keep the commandments. You do what you think Heavenly Father would want you to do. That is all you need to do to have faith." 
• "Faith is knowing and doing. It takes faith to overcome habits". 
• "Fear is the opposite of faith. They cannot coexist." 
• "Be flexible in your goals and have faith in what the Lord has in store for you." 
• "Proclaiming a declaration of doubt is not more honorable than an honest declaration of faith." 
• "I think that faith is believing that with God, all things are possible; That God has the desire and ability to help us, while hope is believing that He will help us. We cannot have one without the other". 

I think that I have only struck the tip of the iceberg on faith, and I am determined to figure out the rest. It seems to be the key to my journey right now.

With Increased Faith, No One Can Stop Your Progress.

Today was a good, progressive day. The first half of my day wasn't as fulfilling as the second half, but hey, we're all about progress. I spent the earlier part of my day taking a nap and avoiding going to campus to get real work done. Then, I finally made my way up to campus and went to a review session for my Computer Science 235 class, and worked on a tutorial I found online. Once I left the lab after 3 hours, I felt renewed and hopeful... full of faith.

Faith is what I needed in order to get this progress going. I needed to believe that Heavenly Father could and would help me. I needed to forget about everything else, and just trust Him. That is what I plan to do from now on.

I really like the phrase "faith as a grain of mustard seed". This phrase is very significant and close to me. Before, I never really understood, but now I can relate. We always sang in Primary, "Faith is like a little seed", but now I get it. Faith doesn't always start out big. In fact, most times, it starts out very small. Sometimes, even all the faith we can possibly conjure up, only amounts to the size of a mustard seed... and that's okay. That is all that Christ asks of us. Really, that is it. In Ether 12:27 Ether tells us: "for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them". All that Heavenly Father asks of us is all the faith that we have, which may only end up being microscopic, but it is enough for Him.

Once I started displaying what little faith I had by doing the things on the list that I blogged about a while ago, (Read the Ensign each month, Read the Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple pamphlet, Be completely diligent in my Visiting Teaching, Be more aware of curfew, and abide by the rules, Communicate lovingly with my roommates, Kneel and pray before I leave my apartment in the morning, Kneel and pray before I go to sleep, Pray before I eat, Set apart a time where I can read the scriptures everyday, Schedule a time to go to the temple each week) I started to see progress.

In a talk about faith, President Hinckley said, "In the on-working of this great cause, increased faith is what we most need. Without it, the work would stagnate. With it, no one can stop its progress". I would like to relate this to myself by rephrasing what he says, "In the on-working of this great cause [of learning here on earth], increased faith is what we[I] most need. Without it, the work [my knowledge] would stagnate [like it did when the Lord was not my first priority in my life]. With it, no one can stop its progress".

I know that if I continue to put the Lord first in my life and work hard, I will be able to succeed. Sometimes it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel (especially in the dungeons of the Talmadge building), but I know that God is with me, helping get there.

We are Yellow Canaries with Gray on our Wings

When I first heard this analogy I didn't think much of it, but now I can relate. President Thomas S. Monson gave a wonderful talk about how a woman who passed away gave three canaries away in her will. Two of them were bright and yellow, and the other was a little ruffled and had gray on its wings; but it's song was the prettiest. President Monson then goes on to compare that woman and ourselves with the yellow canary with gray on it's wings. He says:

"The world is filled with yellow canaries with gray on their wings. The pity is that so precious few of them have learned to sing. Perhaps the clear notes of proper example have not sounded in their ears or found lodgment in their hearts. Some are young people who don’t know who they are, what they can be or even want to be. They are afraid, but they don’t know of what. They are angry, but they don’t know at whom. They are rejected, and they don’t know why. All they want is to be somebody. Others are stooped with age, burdened with care, or filled with doubt—living lives far below the level of their capacities."

I especially like the part about living far below the level of their capacities, reminding me of Elder Uchtdorf's talk, "Your Potential, Your Privilege". I think that is something that I need to learn, since it keeps popping up in my studies. I have a thick head remember?

President Monson also briefly says, "All of us are prone to excuse our own mediocre performance". He says that we like to rationalize our poor performance and silently say to ourselves that we are not strong enough. I know I definitely have said this to myself... many times.

He then tells us that the point of life on earth is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves. He then proclaims that we can "develop the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility" by telling ourselves that we are sons and daughters of a God. We were created in the image of God. We have the capacity and capability to be just like Him when we grow up. I plan to personally hold onto this truth and use it to strengthen myself.

When I start to get down on myself, I just need to think that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know everything. Jesus is the perfect parent, teacher, scholar, and even the perfect programmer. He suffered for us. He atoned for our sins. He felt every pain, sorrow, and any feeling we have ever felt, or will feel. He knows you. He can help you become perfect and the wonderful, vibrant yellow canary you can become. He will do this for me, and He can do it for you too.

Living Far Beneath Your Privileges

Sometimes we limit ourselves. Sometimes we do so unknowingly. I did this to myself, and I am marking today, as the day I decided to change that. For the majority of my academic life, I have achieved success, but I feel that I was limiting myself. I think it mostly started in my Sophomore year of high school, when I adopted procrastination into my life. I used to do my homework on time all the time, until my teacher said that homework wasn't due until the end of the month. Then I began to put off my assignments, and started to do so in my other classes. 

Another way that I have limited myself in my studies, is that I use the "average" as my buffer. I make assignments easier on myself by thinking to myself that I couldn't possibly achieve the highest grade or 100%. /*It's been a long time since I've seen one of those...*/ I think to myself that as long as I get the average, or somewhere near it, I'm okay. How horrible is that. HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE?! Who settles for mediocrity?! I know I used to; but not anymore.

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave a wonderful talk on this topic. I didn't see it until now, but I have been living far beneath my privileges. He gives a humorous analogy of a man on a cruise who was not aware that all of the activities on the ship were included in the price for the cruise. That was me. By not turning to my Heavenly Father for help, not studying my hardest, not reading my scriptures, not praying, not paying attention in church, and not seeking for help, I was stopping myself from progressing... and I could feel it.

I really noticed this happening last week when I determined that I needed to do well in my classes this term. I am taking Computer Science 235: Data Structures, and IT 567: Pen Testing and Cyber Security. Both of these classes are really important to me. CS 235 is important, because I withdrew from it last semester, and felt like I had given up. I took my first C++ course a year ago, and I was completely not prepared for it. I should have researched a little bit about programming and what I was getting into. I feel like if I had paid more attention in class, and tried harder on the assignments, I would have helped myself out now. I remember having the TA's basically do all of the work for me. I would stay in the lab for hours, hopelessly trying to do an assignment that I didn't do the reading for, or any preparation for. Imagine trying to write a coherent book in a different language that you haven't done any studying on... that's what writing a program is like when you don't try and you just expect it to make sense and compile. Nope. Doesn't work like that. I learned that the hard way.

Now that I understand how important it is to know how to program in my major, I am trying harder. Sometimes, I hold myself back by telling myself that I would need to start all over, but I know that that would not help me at all. That would only hold me back more. I'm sure that if I asked a successful programmer if they wished they would have been more diligent in their studies at one point, and I am sure that the majority of them would say yes. I am just going to pick up the pieces that I know, and try as hard as I can in order to learn this.

Doing well in CS 235 is imperative for me because my last 3 semesters, I have not done as well as I could have. I could beat around the bush like I usually do, but that's not what this blog is for. 3 semesters ago, I failed CS 124. I tried to do what I had done in CS 142, and basically let the TA's do the work for me, but I learned all too late that that would not work. So I gave up. Then, I was determined to avoid CS classes for a while /*BIG MISTAKE*/. So I took a 4 credit IT Web Development class and passed with the skin of my teeth and the mercy of my professor and TA's. And I got the lowest passing score in my Econ class this last Fall. Then, this last semester, I was going to take CS 235 and Calculus. I dropped out of both and added Algebra and Trigonometry, telling myself that I hadn't taken math in too long, and needed to refresh. But, since I still hadn't resolved to try harder and work with Heavenly Father on my problems, I ended up getting a D- and a E in Algebra and Trigonometry. /*Now, all of you have lowered your opinions of me... great. */

Because of all of this trouble that I have gotten myself into, I am now on Academic Warning. That is so scary to me. I am okay right now, but if I continue down this path for a long time, I will be unable to attend BYU. That would be my worst nightmare. Before I realized that I needed God's help, I decided that I should read my CS textbook. I sat down and for an hour I tried to read that book. I tried. I literally could not keep my attention on it for more than 20 seconds. I saw myself doing this, and I could not even force myself to pay attention to it. How scary was that. I had lost all will-power and hope that I could do well at all. 

Then I started this blog and made a resolution to turn to God and ask for help. After all, I had tried everything else. It all makes sense now though. If I was not going to make Heavenly Father a priority in my life, he was going to make me make Him a priority. Wow, I have a thick skull. But that doesn't matter anymore. My past is my past, and my mistakes are just that... mistakes. Now I have made decision to keep Heavenly Father as my #1 priority.

In Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk he tells us of how we can overcome this. He says, "As you read the scriptures and listen to the words of the prophets with all your heart and mind, the Lord will tell you how to live up to your privileges"..."As we do these things, we will begin to live up to our potential and privileges, and we will be able to do all things through Christ who strengthens us".

I know that if I read my scriptures and listen to the words of the prophets with all of my heart and mind, I will be told how I can live up to my privileges, I will begin to live up to my potential, and I will be strengthened to do all things through Christ.

Balance is Achievable through Christ

Yesterday, I stumbled upon the scripture, Moroni 7: 20-22. It says:

20 And now, my brethren, how is it possible that ye can lay hold upon every good thing?

21 And now I come to that faith, of which I said I would speak; and I will tell you the way whereby ye may lay hold on every good thing.

22 For behold, God knowing all things, being from everlasting to everlasting, behold, he sent angels to minister unto the children of men, to make manifest concerning the coming of Christ; and in Christ there should come every good thing.

I know that Christ was speaking to me through these scriptures, and I heard the message that he was trying to give to me. In my scriptures, next to these verses, I wrote the word "balance". To me, that is a huge goal in my life. I want to be able to handle many different important things and do that successfully. I like that Mormon questions how it is possible to have every good thing. I interpret this, for my life as meaning, how can I possibly achieve all of the worthy goals that I have? Like obtaining an education, getting married in the temple, and raising children with the gospel in the home. At times, all of these goals, among others, can seem daunting, and you may feel like you can't do it all. 

He then goes on to say "...in Christ there should come every good thing". How profound is that? There is the one simple answer: Christ. He is the way that we can achieve every good thing that we desire. I testify that if you turn to Christ, you may be able to achieve all of the worthy goals that you have... and more.